Here I am in your midst...

Here I am in your midst...

MARK 6:7-13

MARK 6:7-13
Jesus summoned the Twelve and began to send them out two by two
and gave them authority over unclean spirits.
He instructed them to take nothing for the journey but a walking stick
–no food, no sack, no money in their belts.
They were, however, to wear sandals but not a second tunic.
He said to them,
“Wherever you enter a house, stay there until you leave from there.
Whatever place does not welcome you or listen to you,
leave there and shake the dust off your feet
in testimony against them.”
So they went off and preached repentance.
The Twelve drove out many demons,
and they anointed with oil many who were sick and cured them.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

The Real Truth

For over a year I have struggled with PPD and PPA. It has not been awesome.

I spend nights and days praying for God to zap me with the Holy Spirit and take away the struggle and grace me with the trust and faith in Him that will replace my fears and worries... but it never happens.

I know he can do this. I know he can take this away. But he is allowing it... why???

As Christians we live by truth. But what is the truth?
 I recently had a priest tell me that the truth is... that we are sinners.
Pope Francis was asked in an interview, "Who are you?" and he responded simply, "I am a sinner." The truth is, that we are broken. We cannot do anything ourselves. We are flawed and in desperate need of redemption. Truly living out our faith means, admitting that we don't have the answers. That we cannot do it ourselves. And we need Christ to step in and give us the answers. Why are we searching inside ourselves for the answers to something that He alone can give us?

This resonates so beautifully for me. I need Christ. He has the power to zap me with great faith and trust... But instead of Him giving me Trust, He is gracing me with opportunity to trust Him more. And instead of giving me great Faith, He is gracing me with opportunity to believe blindly.

My struggle with depression is very real. But my best days are not my "best"days. My best days are the days when I am most fearful and paralyzed by my own thoughts... Those are the days where the only way I can keep moving is if I keep my eyes solely fixated on Him. I have two young girls to care for. I cannot lie in my bed and hide from how I am feeling. The only thing I can do is to repeat over and over and over, "Jesus, Mary.... Jesus, Mary.... Jesus, Mary..." And they come to me like a flood with comfort. They don't take away my struggle or depression, but they help me bear it. And then walk me through it. Because I am LEARNING faith, trust and surrender. And if they handed me the answers, then I wouldn't be learning it for myself.

Really, I am not struggling with fear. I am not struggling with depression. I am not struggling with things of this world... I am struggling to accept the fact that I can't control what happens to me, or my family. I can't make things perfect. I don't have the answers...

My struggle is simply Jesus's overriding questions for me, "Do you trust me? Do you believe in me? Do you have faith in me?".

I always thought I did. I go to church every week. I am heavily involved in my church's ministries. I pray fervently.... But my struggle is helping me to see that maybe I don't have the faith I thought I did. Because if I did, I wouldn't be so afraid.

Romans 8:28
"We know that ALL things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to HIS purpose."

ALL things.... good and bad
HIS purpose... not my purpose

And I am starting to realize, that if my fears were completely gone, then I would forget how much I really need him. Because I am a sinner. I am afraid. And I need redemption from a Savior, who loves me with abiding love that I will never comprehend.

Lord, no matter how much I struggle. No matter what life throws at me... never let me doubt your love for me. Lord I need you. 

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