Here I am in your midst...

Here I am in your midst...

MARK 6:7-13

MARK 6:7-13
Jesus summoned the Twelve and began to send them out two by two
and gave them authority over unclean spirits.
He instructed them to take nothing for the journey but a walking stick
–no food, no sack, no money in their belts.
They were, however, to wear sandals but not a second tunic.
He said to them,
“Wherever you enter a house, stay there until you leave from there.
Whatever place does not welcome you or listen to you,
leave there and shake the dust off your feet
in testimony against them.”
So they went off and preached repentance.
The Twelve drove out many demons,
and they anointed with oil many who were sick and cured them.

Sunday, February 21, 2016

To Jesus

... through Mary

At Easter of 2013, my husband and I had a miscarriage. I was 11 weeks when the pregnancy passed, but at 8 weeks we knew that there was no heartbeat. There were so many things difficult about this time in our life. No one can prepare you for the heartache of miscarriage until it happens to you...

At 5 weeks I got a positive pregnancy test and was ecstatic. We had been trying to get pregnant for about a year, so this news was long awaited. However, in the pit of my stomach, something did not feel right.

I remember spending some time in adoration begging the Lord to let us keep the pregnancy. This was before we even knew. But something inside my heart felt off. I never told my husband, but I later found out that he had similar feelings.

At 8 weeks I went in for an ultrasound and the ultrasound tech was very quiet. "How many weeks did you say you were?".... "Are you sure you aren't off?". We use NFP... I knew what was going on. There was no baby. We had a blighted ovum miscarriage. No baby. I remember only being able to contain myself enough to get dressed and leave the room before busting outside in tears. I wanted that baby to be there so badly. I wanted that day to end so differently. I wanted to go back and redo it all. I wanted to come out with a cute little picture for the fridge and excited phone calls for our family. I was frozen outside not wanting to move forward.

I remained pregnant for another 3 weeks. Full blown morning sickness and all. It was horrible. I remember begging the Lord to make it end, because everyday that I was pregnant was like a sick reminder of the emptiness I now felt inside me. Couple that with a trip to the ER for dehydration (morning sickness and depression are not a good combo) and I was completely broken.

By Easter Sunday I was having the miscarriage. It was the most difficult experience I have ever been through.

Psalm 23:4
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For you are with me; your rod and staff comfort me."

I began to loose my trust in the Lord. Not because I didn't trust Him, but because I didn't want to trust Him. I wanted to be the author of life. To keep all the bad things from happening. I wanted to control, because letting go was too... scary.

Psalm 62:9
"Trust God at all times."

... at ALL times... not when you feel like it. Not when it makes sense to. Not when things seem right in the world... but at ALL TIMES.

Romans 8:28
"We know that ALL things work for good for those who love God."


My faith would tell me to trust in God. My faith would tell me to love Him in the good and bad times. But my heart said that it hurt too much. I was mad at Him. I was hurt by Him. And that honesty led me to prayer.

Sometimes, God wants our honesty. Our brokenness... Not the politically correct version of how you feel. He wants us to come with guns blazing, heart abandoned. Tell Him how he wronged you. Tell Him how mad you are. How much he hurt you.... but be prepared, because that kind of honesty will get you somewhere.

This honesty led me to Mary. "Mary  my mother, your son has hurt me. Do you see what has happened? How could he do this to me? Mary please... help me..."

This is a prayer that no mother would ever turn down. Mary was a mother. Mary understood the pain of loosing a child. Mary understood my hurting in a way that only a woman could.

I had a vision of Mary coming into my life, into my mind. And every painful memory that was laid on the table she placed herself there in the midst of it. So that all that time where I felt I couldn't take it, I couldn't handle it, I couldn't bear it, she would  be there in it. And if the memory would come again, I would feel the pain, but I would feel her too. And I could trust her. I could rely on her. She would be the mother I couldn't. She would cry with me. She would sit with me in the silence. She would care for me the way I really need someone too. The way only a mother could. And I would trust her. Openly I could trust her. Because no matter what bad things happened she would be there to do what I could not...

And as I sat with her in our secret place, she looked at me and said,
"He wants to see you..."
"Oh no! I can't! I am broken. He has hurt me too much."
"He loves you..."
"He wants to forgive you...He wants to hold you...He misses you.... You know its true."

And she would walk me to Him.... slowly. At my own pace. Because, Mary never acts on her own accord. She takes everything she does and looks directly back at her son. Because she is under his mission and purpose. And she does all things for Him.

So if you are in a place, where you cannot trust God... go to Mary. She will lead you back to him. But only when you are ready. I am learning to trust Jesus through Mary.